New Years Re-resolution

Seems early, doesn’t it?

Well, as determined as I was in January of this year to get pregnant in 2010, it’s just not gonna happen. So, what other choice do I have but to set my aging sights on 2011?

“But!” You may say. “You still have two if not three opportunities left this year to try!”

As you may recall from previous posts, I’ve got my dad’s unveiling next month. For those of you who aren’t up on your ancient Jewish death rituals, a year out from someone’s burial we “unveil” the headstone and mark the “end” of the mourning period for the deceased’s siblings and kids. This not only presents me with a difficult time emotionally, but the flight home presents a very difficult physical challenge as I will be flying solo (i.e., no K hands to squeeze and shoulders to hide behind every time the plane hits an air pocket). This means Xanax. And, since Xanax can mean cleft palate, I cannot try for PG before that trip.

Now (as of last night), I am joining K for a possibly tumultuous Christmas visit to Indiana. Full disclosure: One side of K’s family has never been too keen on “me” (quotes denote the fact that they have not met me). But my existence (and persistence) means K is a big ol’ gay, and that doesn’t jive with some of their core beliefs. Recently, the matriarch mentioned my name for the first time in almost 9 years. I was “invited” to join K for Christmas Eve dinner. K was informed that she would be the only grandchild not in attendance (and I thought Jews knew from guilt!). Also, K has been out of communication with her father for some years, and he will be in attendance. (It has been posited by some on this side of her family that I am the reason for this daughter/father rift. —Not so!) So, in spite of very difficult feelings about being the horned elephant in the room, I’ve agreed to go and support her.

And… we’re back to Xanax. A whole barge full of it. In my gullet. Since I would like to continue avoiding the cleft palate, this means I won’t be getting the HsG in December. If the test shows clear tubes in January, we’ll be trying right away. Seems easy enough. Just wait a few more months. What’s a few more months after a whole long year?

This is what: Our donor wants to travel. We don’t know when exactly. Early 2011 was mentioned. Traveling for a month was mentioned. Is it just me that (narcissistically) sees the universe testing how much I want to have a baby? Please, tell me there’s another reason why we started this process when I was 32 and now I’m turning 35—still unpregnant (my blog, my made-up words). My money is totally on cruel testing by a cold, heartless universe.

So, while I medicate for the holidays that make me fly, the birthdays that make me old, and another year of trying, let’s consider what exactly it will take to prove myself worthy.

Fun with Acrostics

H appiness
S idesteps
G irl who had appendicitis

H iring
S urrogate
G aining ground as option

H ow
S o many
G et pregnant is beyond me

H ey
S een any
G ood movies lately about a girl who has to get X-ray dye squirted through her fallopian tubes with the hope that nothing’s in there but that if there are adhesions left behind by an infected appendix said dye will push ’em out?

No? Me neither. But I hear one is coming out soon starring Sandra Bullock as an aging lesbian with a penchant for self-effacing humor, who desperately wants to have a baby. A true family film, just in time for Christmas!

So, it’s been confirmed. It’s not him; it’s me. We had E2’s swimmers tested again, and his count is great. My OB/GYN got a hold of the op report from my appendectomy a few years ago, which said my appendix was, in fact, infected. She informed me that women who’ve had appendicitis are more likely to have fertility problems, and that since I also had further infections from the surgery itself, I am probably a walking ball of scar tissue. She strongly recommended I get an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which allows the doctor to see in my tubes. As the coming Bullock Blockbuster will portray, I will be crossing my fingers for no blockage, or for adhesions that scatter at the sight of X-ray dye. In these two cases, I am to inseminate immediately. My chances of conception will be highest in the three cycles following this test. If there are serious adhesions that don’t let the dye through… I don’t know. Don’t want to know right now. Assume it means more surgery. Don’t want it. (I apologize for my sentence structure. It breaks down and I turn four when I think about bad things.)

On the bright side (yes, I can see a blue sky, flowers, bunnies, and things like that), I’ve been enjoying a long cycle off. Actually, it was a shorter cycle than usual, probably because I didn’t take vitex or progesterone or nothin’. I gave myself a supplement break, which gave me a 22-day cycle. But still, it seemed long and luxurious with not stick peeing or temperature taking.

As of right now, I’m thinking of a December HSG test and insemination. Either my birthday or Jesus’. I haven’t decided.