Archive for May, 2011

Pregnancy Is Real

I’m 9 weeks pregnant. My fetus is 2 centimeters long. Other than these facts, I have no proof that what I am going through is for anything real.

Real is nausea so bad that a vomit phobic wishes she could vomit. Real is when one burp begets another burp with a 2-second intermission of fiery acid. Real are hot flashes that could set a bedroom ablaze.

I began this week with an unexpected visit to the doctor. I had a day of much fluid loss (we’ll leave it at that), and there was concern of dehydration.  I was so ill, and she was squeezing me into a full schedule. After almost an hour of waiting (with  my pants down), I told myself that if she wasn’t in in the next 5 minutes (and if I was still alive) that we would go home unseen. I was that miserable. So I counted 300 seconds. Literally. Then I put on my pants and told K we needed to go. We were, of course, intercepted by reception who called the doctor over. She insisted she get a look in me, saying (with her very pregnant belly between us) that she knows exactly how I feel and that it sucks. I tearily (new word) told her I just wanted to go home, like I was a POW or something. But I was coaxed back in, and she did the fastest ultrasound in the world to confirm the fetus was fine. Nice fast heartbeat and good size. As for my condition, well, she prescribed an anti-nausea med that is supposedly safe for pregnancy and gave us a recipe for a rehydration beverage that K made for me later but that I knew there was no way in hell, not for me and not for this baby, that I was going to consume. Three days later, I can say that I’m feeling slightly better, but not enough.  I still hate all food — can’t think about putting any of it but rice in me. I can’t get regular. I have an unsustainable amount of nausea and heartburn. And I swear, I have tried everything that’s out there.

Now, do not let it be said that I am complaining. I know I worked to get pregnant for a long time. I know I bitched and moaned about it not ever happening. I know I am lucky and got what I wanted. I am very happy. The happiness is just hard to access from this place of physical distress and misery. But NOT complaining.

Tomorrow, we get to celebrate (which I’m sure involves eating, so I’m freaking out already) the great news with E2! He’s back from Europe and in town for a moment before heading off on his U.S. tour. I had no idea this was going to happen, so K and I are super happy to get to see him and smile big and goofy. I wonder if being around him might settle the stomach. If so, he’s moving in.


Today’s definitive list of things making me nauseous:

-the fact that I know I should use “nauseated” but I can’t bring myself to type that many letters just to say I wanna puke
-my computer screen
-natural light
-eating and drinking
-not eating and drinking
-going to bed and waking up
-my tongue
-other stuff in my nose
-cleaning and not being in a clean space
-the incessant belching
-clock ticking
-movement, mine and others’
-meat, but mostly the one beginning with “c”
-my nausea
-my dog’s food
-neighbors speaking loudly
-phone conversations
-student papers
-knowing there’s five more weeks till the end of the first trimester

Yes I Am

Magic Seahorse - 6 Wks

…nauseated, …tired, …girthy, …repulsed by food, …spacey, …hypersensitive to odor, …busty, …tired, …living on rice crackers


We did it! We found out two weeks ago today, but we wanted to see it for ourselves in order to believe it and then tell others. We thought for that whole time it might be twins (a very high HcG count on day 14 and a friend’s premonition of a boy and a girl), but today we saw and heard one beautiful, perfect heartbeat.

I never thought I could feel like puking so many hours of the day. I never thought my boobs could get so big. And the tiredness…it’s not like sleepiness or exhaustion. It’s an entirely different animal. But I’m so friggin’ happy (and in shock).

We’re still not “out of the woods”—I guess we have another 6 weeks before the all-clear whistle blows. In the meantime, a strong heartbeat is a great sign, and we’ve graduated from the fertility clinic! I know there are a ton of things I need to write about, but I’m trying to keep the eggs I finally got in me down. Distraction can be a lifesaver, but unconsciousness is best.

Thanks for y’all’s good wishes and prayers and stuff. I really believe this finally worked because of it.

(Disclaimer: No men were harmed in the making of this blog.)

The Family

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