New Years Re-resolution

Seems early, doesn’t it?

Well, as determined as I was in January of this year to get pregnant in 2010, it’s just not gonna happen. So, what other choice do I have but to set my aging sights on 2011?

“But!” You may say. “You still have two if not three opportunities left this year to try!”

As you may recall from previous posts, I’ve got my dad’s unveiling next month. For those of you who aren’t up on your ancient Jewish death rituals, a year out from someone’s burial we “unveil” the headstone and mark the “end” of the mourning period for the deceased’s siblings and kids. This not only presents me with a difficult time emotionally, but the flight home presents a very difficult physical challenge as I will be flying solo (i.e., no K hands to squeeze and shoulders to hide behind every time the plane hits an air pocket). This means Xanax. And, since Xanax can mean cleft palate, I cannot try for PG before that trip.

Now (as of last night), I am joining K for a possibly tumultuous Christmas visit to Indiana. Full disclosure: One side of K’s family has never been too keen on “me” (quotes denote the fact that they have not met me). But my existence (and persistence) means K is a big ol’ gay, and that doesn’t jive with some of their core beliefs. Recently, the matriarch mentioned my name for the first time in almost 9 years. I was “invited” to join K for Christmas Eve dinner. K was informed that she would be the only grandchild not in attendance (and I thought Jews knew from guilt!). Also, K has been out of communication with her father for some years, and he will be in attendance. (It has been posited by some on this side of her family that I am the reason for this daughter/father rift. —Not so!) So, in spite of very difficult feelings about being the horned elephant in the room, I’ve agreed to go and support her.

And… we’re back to Xanax. A whole barge full of it. In my gullet. Since I would like to continue avoiding the cleft palate, this means I won’t be getting the HsG in December. If the test shows clear tubes in January, we’ll be trying right away. Seems easy enough. Just wait a few more months. What’s a few more months after a whole long year?

This is what: Our donor wants to travel. We don’t know when exactly. Early 2011 was mentioned. Traveling for a month was mentioned. Is it just me that (narcissistically) sees the universe testing how much I want to have a baby? Please, tell me there’s another reason why we started this process when I was 32 and now I’m turning 35—still unpregnant (my blog, my made-up words). My money is totally on cruel testing by a cold, heartless universe.

So, while I medicate for the holidays that make me fly, the birthdays that make me old, and another year of trying, let’s consider what exactly it will take to prove myself worthy.


3 Responses to “New Years Re-resolution”

  1. 1 Bert October 25, 2010 at 11:18 pm

    Dear Malka,

    Every boxer listens to the bell and rests for a few minutes before the next round. You are not knocked out.
    Re travel jitters: take the train, or the bus!
    If the unveiling is in Tucson be sure to come by. I have an intense long-postponed hug for you, and a copy of my latest poetry book–which has the poem ‘Shiva’, inspired by your shiva, in it.

    • 2 malkageffen October 26, 2010 at 12:16 am

      Thanks Bert. I’ll be home over Thanksgiving weekend for the unveiling, so if you’ll be in town, I’ll take you up on that hug!

  2. 3 Kristy October 27, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    It took me a 2nd reading to get the “we are not worthy” photo reference. The first time I just laughed because Wayne’s World is funny.

    Ways to prove yourself worthy:

    PLAN A: Consider all of the scenarios. Be prepared for anything. Hold a place in your mind for a cruel or indifferent deity in order to ward off disappointment, but privately bargain with G-d. Spend your free time following every lead that comes your way. (Warning: you’re getting out of practice. Oh, and this method may impede conception.)

    PLAN B: Nurture the belief that you are a divine creature and worthy of the full human experience.

    P.S. Did you know there’s a site called Lots of famous Jews on there. I’m not saying; I’m just saying. (The “Recovering Catholics” keep them in good company.)

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