Archive for August, 2010

The Value of Hope

Hope is a topic my mother and I have been discussing lately. Maybe hope is not the right word exactly; maybe it’s positive thinking (or wishful thinking).

For a week I have been experiencing premenstrual cramping and (you gotta love it) facial out-breakage. There’s also been an increase in mood. I know from doing this 7 times that these signs mean my period is coming and that there ain’t no baby. My mom encouraged me not to conclude anything about no-baby until I actually bleed. I see her point. I do. It’s just that holding out “hope” (and rubbing on the progesterone cream every night) once I know deep, deep inside me where things are headed is almost more damning than the barrenness itself. (By the way, using the word barren just then is an example of anti-hope that my mom discourages.)

So you tell me, lovely followers of my blog (soon to be comment makers, I hope), how does hope play into your experience with trying to conceive?

Gay for a Day

It’s been a few years since I was “gay for pay” (not in the porn or Hollywood sense, but professionally nonetheless), so I was surprised when I had a very gay day on Monday. First, our wonderful gay painter showed up at our place to make pretty walls. She is known and was recommended by all of our lesbian and friends-of-lesbians friends. We threw some crazy colors at her, but she’s rolling with it (ouch, the sting of an unintended pun!). With three of us here (my mom is visiting), we provide at least three times the opinions and mind changes about the colors and combinations, and yet she shows up every day with a smile.

While I have my mom with me, I like to shop (or at least look at things one could potentially buy). On Monday we went to Pier 1 because I got a huge coupon with our postal service address change notification (I have considered changing my address several times over just to get their fabulous coupons). As we did our register dance (the one that involves the “Oh wait, weren’t we going to get one more of these?” back-step and “”Will this really match the bowls?” spin-around), I noticed the cutest young gay men embracing as they waited so very patiently in line behind us. My initial reaction was shock and embarrassment: what if my mom sees them? Then I remembered that my mom is here visiting me and her lesbian daughter-in-law. Then I wondered if I present as gay at all anymore (especially if K isn’t with me holding my hand). Then I turned my focus back to the register and coupon and delighted in my savings.

Monday evening I had the pleasure of attending my first ever board meeting. I get to be a board member for Gertrude Press, which publishes Gertrude, an annual literary journal that showcases the art and writing of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer-identified, and allied individuals. I haven’t been involved with the literary world for about 6 years, and now I get to combine my interests in supporting gay community and good art! I found upon my arrival at said meeting that my old friend and ex-co-worker, Jimmy, was also joining the board. I love the way the universe brings people back around into our lives.

So that was my very gay day. I am currently waiting for K to bring E2 over for an early (day 9) insemination. That’s right, she picked him up at his house (no biker balls!). My mom? Well, we kicked her out (to a lovely cafe a few blocks away). We thought E2 might have an easier time doing his deed without “mom”ness in the air. I’m hoping it’s that same “mom”ness that will help my egg and uterus think, “Conceive!”

Good, Bad, Ugly

Good: I’m sitting in an over-sized puffy chair looking out the picture window at the beautiful garden of my new house.

Bad: I am not pregnant. Again.

Ugly: The cramps. I woke this morning to the sound of my own voice crying out for pain meds.

So, depending on which I focus, my day’s mood could go just about anywhere! I’ve had such a slow start this overcast morning… I’ll bet you can guess where I’m headed.

BUT, if I can get over the cramps (I mean, most every woman since the first one had ’em and got on with things), then I can let the fact that the sun will come out (and with it heat, humidity, and mosquitoes) motivate me to get up and water this handsome landscape I now call home.

Before I go, I want to mention our latest in the quest for child. I was talking with my acupuncturist about a concern over E2’s bike riding (it’s his mode of transport, which he rides right up to our place for our “dates”). After speaking with her sister, who apparently works with balls (her words, not mine), she said the short-term ride on a hot day could affect the sperm. This past insemination occurred on some very hot days. When E2 showed up, her was beet red and so very sweaty; I can’t imagine the boys were cool at all. There is also the long-term riding issue, but I don’t think we’re there yet.

Although I’ve offered before to pick him up from work so he doesn’t have to ride over, I hope he’ll understand that it is no longer “an offer” as much as part of his job description. As my wise mother pointed out to me recently, we’re not paying him for sleepers!

(Disclaimer: No men were harmed in the making of this blog.)

The Family

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