From Where I Lie

I am lying on my right side, propped up on my elbow and reaching over a sleeping/nursing baby with my left hand to type on my laptop which sits precariously on the pillow buttressing said baby’s back. If K hadn’t brought me my laptop, I’d be doing what I now do 75% of my day: wish the baby was either sleeping or nursing, wonder when I’ll lose all feeling and function of my supporting arm, stare at the invariably messy room, daydream about the food I can’t access in spite of insane hunger, try to wiggle into a less uncomfortable position knowing full well I will not sleep, wonder how I’ll ever go back to working — even part time, and will myself to not pick at the baby’s cradle cap. I also take several long gazes upon the most magnificent thing I’ve ever made. So know that I am not complaining.

Who could give this baby shots??

Tomorrow is the dreaded day. J’s first round of immunization shots. I wish I was one of those conscientious parents who research the heck out of things regarding their kids, but at best I’m shaping up to be the kind of mom that puts her faith in the research of others and who looks at the health care provider over serious under-eye bags of sleep deprivation and says, “Please just tell us what to do when.” So we waited till 3 months and are doing 3 immunizations in 3 installments. I wasn’t able to be in the room when she had her frenotomy; poor K had to do that one solo. But there’s no getting out of this… there are just too damn many shots! I know J is going to do well; it’s me I’m worried for. I’m still so hormonal that I can’t even listen to K describe a dream she had about another kid hurting J. Driving by a billboard advertising child abuse awareness brings me to tears.

I suppose before I sign off, I should mention that after two sessions of intense internal hemorrhoid zapping, I am feeling a lot better. The process is crazy and one I wouldn’t recommend for a good time but totally suggest if you need it.


4 Responses to “From Where I Lie”

  1. 1 Bea Lippel March 30, 2012 at 5:53 am

    How she has grown since photo number 1. And what an alert smile she has! Is she really a redhead? Mazal tov. Grab as much sleep as you can, it really helps.

    • 2 mamawannabe March 30, 2012 at 10:18 pm

      Thanks Bea! I refuse to accept that she’s a redhead, so no. Last night was a tough one… waking every half hour. It’s a good thing that smile is there during the day!

  2. 3 Erin Savage April 12, 2012 at 7:42 am

    I currently sit with my 14 week old, swaddled on my lap, begging her to stay asleep. It’s late and I’m so tired, but I have learned quickly the mistake in trying to transfer her to her crib too soon – only to have to begin again at the start of the whole process.

    I have so enjoyed reading your blog over these many late nights. A friend, Amy Watson mentioned it at a craneosacral appointment I was at recently for my daughter. She knew of my parter and my journey to get pregnant – our overlaps continued with similar adventures of the last few months – with tongue-tie, breast feeding ups & downs, etc.

    I just wanted to thank you for candidly sharing – your words have made me feel less crazy and less alone along this wild ride to parenthood. Congratulations on your sweet chica!

    • 4 mamawannabe April 14, 2012 at 3:23 am

      Erin, I’m so glad you’ve been reading some of my blog and that it helps you feel less crazy, alone, etc. You getting in touch does the same for me! If you ever figure out how to get her to take a nap or go to sleep at night without a big fight, please please let me know!!!

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