The other night K and I got the opportunity to revisit past trauma. She’s been having blood pressure problems the past couple weeks, without any clear cause. Migraines were added to her list of discomforts as well. So when she came home from work in terrible pain — around her kidney — we got in the car and headed back to the place where it all went down.

It’s a no-brainer to go to the same hospital where her nephrologists work, even though it’s not the closest to our house. They knew enough to save her life over that long month when we lived there three years ago. But walking in to the same ER and harboring the same fears was not so easy. I was trying to keep it together (which I rarely do when we watch movies about someone losing a spouse), but seeing her in such pain and waiting to be seen brought back the helplessness I felt when she first got sick, and I lost it — I started sobbing like someone had just told me my spouse had died. That is not the way to be supportive.

I called up our good friends to come give me spine so I could be brave-ish. They sat with us in the ER while K got her everything tested and scanned. Thank godfully, all her tests came back normal. Unfortunately, we still have no idea why her blood pressure has been getting high while on her meds and what the heck that horrible pain was. So we went home, exhausted and shell-shocked and grateful.

What really shocked me was how seriously, I realized, I still need her around. I mean, I’ve got this big growing baby inside me that needs me to stay around, and I still don’t think I could do this life without K. Maybe that’ll change once baby is here here. But the love of a good wife, in my opinion, is a once-in-a-lifetime thing that I’m just so not okay with losing.

Today her blood pressure has been great and she seems to look and feel good. I like that a lot, and still I think any sense of security I could feel (which I really don’t) would be False (capital Ffffff…). So, I just keep going, right? I begin my 7th month today and I guess I pretend it’ll all be fine. I mean, Fine.


3 Responses to “UnneceScary”

  1. 1 John October 8, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Oh, geez! I had hoped to get together with you guys while I was in town for my nephew’s wedding last weekend, but it sounds like, even if family stuff had not eaten my schedule, it might have been a tough time to get together. I was sorry to be so close and to still miss seeing you. I hope Kristy continues to mend quickly, and that the rest of your pregnancy is drama- and worry-free. Hugs and kisses!

  2. 3 John McAndrew October 15, 2011 at 6:12 am

    I look forward to it. Hugs and kisses, darlings.

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