And the Livin’ Is Easy

I did it. I got up and out of the house this morning. Small miracles.

I ventured across town for my first prenatal yoga class. I felt like a freshman in high school again (as I do about all things pregnancy). Most of the women in the class were much further along, but there was one woman at 16 weeks (pregnant with her second child). Even though I’ve done some yoga in the past, it has been a long time. It has been a long time since I’ve been off the couch and using my body. Even though I needed some support from the teacher, I didn’t feel judged. And the session actually felt good overall. There were some moves during which I thought, “Oh, na ah!” Not because they were hard moves—they were just hard for someone who’s been atrophying due to 20 weeks of nausea-induced stasis. Things hurt that didn’t hurt before I went to the class, but I think/hope that it’s the good kind of pain from stretching and using lost muscles.

At the end of the class, we went into shavasana, or corpse position (macabre, right?). It is actually a relaxation pose in which you lay back, close your eyes, and let everything you just did sink in. There had been music playing lightly in the background during the whole class, but after a few seconds in shavasana, the Gershwin song “Summertime” began to play. Now, I had been feeling really good, but as soon as this song started I had to relent to the emotions I knew would follow. You see, my dad used to sing this song to me often when I was a baby. At first, I smiled because I felt his presence. This happened the other day at the ultrasound as well. But my brain always jumps quickly from the happy, yay he’s with me to the eye-tearing, boo-hoo he’s not really here the way I need him to be. My brain then switches to shame for tearing up because he’d be so happy I’m finally pregnant and so happy I’m feeling better, that I shouldn’t be all sad and lossy. All those emotions in about 10 seconds. I know logically that there’s nothing wrong or shameful with missing my father, especially during this special time. But as Tina Turner should’ve said, “What’s logic got to do with it?”


1 Response to “And the Livin’ Is Easy”

  1. 1 julie August 16, 2011 at 4:36 am

    Are you going to turn into one of those “I LOOOOVED being pregnant women?” Because I so do not get those women! “It was complicated and ambivalent in a highly emotional, hair-trigger sensitive sort of a way with huge ups and downs, extreme nausea at the beginning, and deep exhaustion and painful pubic symphysis at the end being pregnant” — that I would totally get. All jokey-jokes aside, I’m so glad you made it to prenatal yoga and that is was good, and I can’t imagine the sadness of knowing your daughter (is that weird to hear?) won’t be able to know your dad and vice versa. I hope you can keep going back to yoga and eating and walking out the front door.

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