The Proverbial Towel

Oof. Another blow. The first ultrasound in this IVF round showed a fat follicle, which meant increasing my suppression meds. The second one showed the follicle was gone, giving the all-clear for moving forward. Today’s ultrasound, following four days of twice-daily stimulation shots (which hurt and leave nasty bruises), showed four or five small follicles starting. A good thing. But then my blood test came back showing my estradiol (estrogen level) at 50 when it should be around 100. I’m all for a little two-steps-forward, one-step-back dance. But this… Every time I go to the clinic now I feel like the kid who has to go to the locker room every day after gym class even though he knows his ass is gonna get towel whipped.

So we’re upping the stimulation dosage. Hello hormones.

Look, keeping track of these things on this blog is cathartic and all, but I have to come clean about something… I give up.

My body is clearly fighting us on this. First the estradiol is 314 when it should be below 80, and now it’s swung the other way—even when it’s being directed by specialists with strong meds! We’ve already spent the insane amount of money for the IVF (we dropped $1800 this morning alone for the next three days’ dosages). So, I’ll ride it out because I’m not strong enough not to.

Anybody got an ark?

But I don’t have any good feeling about it. I know people would say I could chalk that up to the hormones, but I say no. Introduce me to one person who started with my numbers and went through the same ups and downs I’m facing now who came out of it with a healthy baby and money left over for diapers. Really. I don’t mean send me articles about lesbians who got pregnant after one try. And I don’t mean point me to others who are currently going through their own IVF struggles. I mean tell me about the woman you personally know who has gotten this done from the same place I’m starting. I know plenty of people who took some time getting pregnant. I even know people who used IVF. But I don’t know anyone whose 35-year-old body does the opposite of what it should be doing naturally AND the opposite of what it should be doing when controlled medically. AND gets the baby.

I’m sorry for the aggro rant. I just feel so fucking hopeless about this. I have a wonderful mother who checks in often and is very supportive. I have the best and most beautiful and loving wife in the world. But I don’t have anyone I can talk to, or even point to, that has succeeded where I feel like I am failing with every alternating ultrasound and blood test.

It’s been raining for 3000 days and hasn’t gone above 50 degrees. It doesn’t get brighter than a light charcoal during the day. I’m tired of my jeans being wet all day after walking the dog for ten minutes. I need wringing out. Where I’m from originally, it’s 90 degrees, with no lack of sunshine. I can’t go there because I have another ultrasound on Friday. Someone please give me a hormone shot that will knock me out until this is over or until the sun’s out and it’s 70 degrees.


2 Responses to “The Proverbial Towel”

  1. 1 The Wife March 30, 2011 at 4:19 am

    Oh…is getting a towel-whip to one’s heiny a BAD thing?

  2. 2 Julie April 2, 2011 at 2:01 am

    Oh, Malka! What a hard, hard place to be. I am so sorry! And I don’t think I know anyone with your same numbers. Although actually I don’t really know people’s numbers and don’t feel very conversant with the IVF world. Here is what I do know though, for sure. Every single person I know who has wanted kids, and who has kept working at having a baby until it happened has been so happy they did. I don’t personally know folks who have adopted older kids, but I do know folks who have adopted older babies, and younger babies, and I know several folks who did IVF and then moved onto IVF with an egg donor (it seems like you have the line on a pretty spectacular one should that be needed) and they are all thrilled with their little ones, however they came to be. No regrets, no doing it differently. Of course there is mourning. I still mourn that I couldn’t nurse … I know how much more wonderful and easy things would have been if I could have. But if I would not for a second have any other baby or change anything if it meant having a different baby. I think that’s how folks feel when they wind up coming to a baby in a different way then they thought would happen. So I do see that. And it is a very sweet and happy picture. I’m so sorry it’s feeling really hopeless right now … that’s such a terrible feeling. I’m wishing you ease through all of this, and sending you lots of love!

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