So Close/Far Away

Riddles:
How many times did I hear that many women get pregnant the cycle after having an HSG?
How many people would assume that, if you’re actively trying to get pregnant, inseminate after an HSG, and miss your period, you’re pregnant?

Now, take both of those numbers and subtract them from themselves.
The result? Zero! The number of pregnancies I’ve had!

Let me explain… We were on a break(!) when we discovered our donor is planning to move away soon. Since we’ve tried so many times unsuccessfully, we decided to have a look inside my stuff to see if there were blockages keeping the sperm from getting to the egg. I was hesitant to get the HSG because I heard it could be painful and because I didn’t want to know if I did have blockages. But, in fact, the test wasn’t horrible and my passages are free and clear. So we inseminate. And inseminate. And… no clear ovulation. No temperature rise. No dark, solid line on the ovulation pee stick. We just kept throwing sperm up there (on his last visit, our donor said I had so much sperm in me I could probably score at a gay bar).

On days 19-21, I had spotting and cramping. I dreaded the period that was to follow because the pain has been so hysterically bad in the recent past and I was due to be either on a plane or at my father’s grave site when it hit. But check this out: the period never came. Like, ever. I don’t only not miss my period, I am very regular (in a short-cycle kinda way). The whole time I was in my hometown, I was sneaking pees on pregnancy tests and feeling a little giddy. The tests kept saying NO, but my lower abdomen felt different (psychosomatic says “what?”). Once I was back home, I began to realize this period wasn’t coming. I wanted to know for sure and right away that I was or wasn’t pregnant so I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to inseminate. My doc ordered a blood test (stat), which confirmed, despite the week of feeling really cool—like a girl with a fairy in her pocket—that I am not pregnant.

So, do it. Inseminate! Had I gotten my period when I was supposed to, I’d be just about to ovulate. The catch? No donor. Still out of town on holiday. I peed on sticks regardless. I saw a couple of lines get close to an LH surge and saw a rise in temperature. All too late.

What the heck? How could a little test mess me up so I skip an ovulation and a period? I know people sometimes skip periods. But not me. Ever!!! Am I done ovulating normally now? Did I embody the youngest and quickest menopause in the history of womankind?

The quandary leaves me spinning (happy sixth night, btw). I feel so out of whack. When I do get another period, what do I do? What timetable do I count on? Should I just find the cash and do an IVF and have twins and be done with all this?

Finally, I had a birthday last week. I was sure, so freakin’ sure, that with my dad’s spirit now fully on the other side where he could put in a good word for a daughter, that I would discover—on my birthday—that the missing period meant I was pregnant. I joked with myself that it would be like going to get your hair cut: You say, “whatever you do, do not give me a short hair cut.” The stylist turns your chair around at the end and says “just what you wanted! a short hair cut!” I made myself a deadline of having a baby by 33 and no later than 35. I thought, the universe is so funny I’ll find out I got pregnant just days before my 35th birthday. Alas, my desperate sense of humor is not shared by mama universe.

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2 Responses to “So Close/Far Away”


  1. 1 Julie December 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    Ay, so hard, this one. The Patron Saint of Pregnancy is apparently quite a trickster. I remember the worst, worst, worst time I got my period when trying to conceive (I guess I should be happy, in retrospect that I at least got my period), was when it came fully a week later than it had ever come. I was so sure I was pregnant. I kept delaying peeing on the stick, because I was super nervous. When I finally did and it was “no” I was crushed, but was secretly sure it was wrong. I told everyone I definitely wasn’t pregnant but I was like — Ha! I can’t wait to surprise them when the test finally gets its act together and I can tell them I really am pregnant! And then I really wasn’t.

    I guess just from a pragmatic point of view, maybe have a back-up vial waiting to shift of frozen for next month?

    I know you have bowed down in every possible way to the Patron Saint — with Vitex, and pelvic floor work, and massage, and tests, and drugs, and more herbs, and you probably feel like you have pretty much nothing left for her at this point. I’m hoping this month that she’ll throw a glance your way because then she’ll see what amazing parents you and Kristy will be and she’ll bow her head in apology that she was not more on the ball.

    Love and happy birthdays to you both.

    • 2 mamawannabe December 7, 2010 at 11:33 pm

      Ah, the prayer and supplication. Yes, my mom recommends this too (but not, as it were, to any kind of Patron Saint). Isn’t it always easier to be rejected without asking first? That way I don’t get egg on my face (nor fertilized… I know). I have been relying on impatience masked by humility, but it may be time to bring out the big guns. Does the Patron Saint of Pregnancy like shuckling?
      Thanks Julie for sharing your personal experience. It helps a lot. Love to you and Zoey.


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