Gimme a Break

You know it had to happen. I was heading toward a breaking point. And here we are.

Since my last post, I was diagnosed with you-could-have temopral arteritis. This from my eye doctor because I get a spot headache in my left temple. Why? Why can’t I just go to an eye doctor because my contacts don’t feel right, or go to a PT to work on my range of motion? Why do I have to come home with a litany of diagnoses?

It must be my high cholesterol. Seriously. My no-food diet consists of air and now I somehow have high cholesterol and high glucose? I did add more meat and eggs to my diet ’cause I was told a lot that I needed more protein to get pregnant. So now I have to cut that out of my diet too?

As you can see, I have a lot of questions. And so. I need a fucking break! Supposedly there’s a kiddo soul out there waiting to come through me to this world. And it’s not the kiddo’s fault that I’m catching supposed health issues in my teeth like bugs by a grinning asshole on a bicycle. But I can’t do this TTC thing one more month with all of this crap in my head (I swear it probably is just all in my head, but I’m not putting it there damn-it! and I’m not even asking for it.) So we all stand still while I barrel toward to 35 (69 days and counting).

Do you want to know what’s particularly frustrating about this business? I came to the decision to take a break over Yom Kippur. I was so very very sick with the latest bug, and I couldn’t go to synagogue. So under many blankets, I sat on the couch and read inspirational stories and articles about Yom Kippur. From all that learning and subsequent soul searching, I came to a place of acceptance. It’s okay to take a cycle or two off. I’m still young and I’m healthy. But you see, there’s the rub. It’s to the point now that I’m afraid to go to the grocery store because the cashier might tell me I have gangrene.

Whatever. My poor K is dealing with a herniated disc. How’s that for a kick in the spine? Sure, we’ll let you live through a near-death experience, but here… have a nice plate of consequence (or maybe it’s subsequence). WE’VE HAD ENOUGH!!! Hear me universe?

And anyway, by taking a couple cycles off, I can guarantee myself plenty o’ access to the lovable Xanax as I fly home for my dad’s unveiling. Gee, there really is a silver lining.


3 Responses to “Gimme a Break”

  1. 2 Julie September 25, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Is does seem a bit as if you’re channeling Job!

    Oh, I just want to come up there and give you both cholesterol-free vegetarian (that part’s just so I can have some) chicken soup with tons of tumeric and ginger for Kristy, and low-glucose, high protein for you. Instead I’m giving you a huge, huge hug from afar and Zoey gives you both tons of kisses (they’re still a little wet so heads up).

    I think the kiddo must have his or her own stuff to do right now. Sometimes kids move super slowwwww.

    So much love to you both.

  2. 3 kpetroshius October 3, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    This is Kristen from the blog you connected with me over some months back. I was looking at old comments and saw yours and thought I’d check out your blog to see what’s up with you.

    Having tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a long time, I know this probably doesn’t help how you’re feeling at all – but I finally am pregnant. My partner and I wrestled with the hard decision of taking two cycles off. I really, really was torn up about it – cause I wanted to just keep trying. Stopping, even for a moment, felt a bit like giving up.

    And taking those two months off proved to be wonderful: We could have sex and not be pre-occupied with thinking of my body in terms of reproduction (strange, I know, when queer sex gets wrapped up in ideas of reproduction); I could get my period and actually look forward to it as a signal the time until our next try was getting closer (rather than look at it with dread); and it just help me let go of my constant preoccupation with getting pregnant (which I didn’t even realize was going on until I took a break).

    Two months off combined with a new approach – fertility meds (which I never thought I’d do) and insemination at a clinic (which I also thought I’d never do) and just letting go of my own ego and trusting in some higher faith in the Universe and, well, whatever else happened in my body this time that I don’t even understand and now I’m pregnant.

    Soon you’ll be on the other side of the fence. You can do it! Your approach of hope and centering yourself on your faith seem great. I wish you the best and apologize if my sharing this at all evokes ill feelings (as I found myself being jealous of pregnant women, and still do sometimes) 🙂 Good luck!

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