Born of Lies

My future child, that is.

Today is E2’s birthday. We picked him up for today’s insemination (we no longer accept post-biking sperm) and presented him with a little gift once we got back to our place. He was so surprised and seemed to like it. Then we were chatting, and it came up how there was one day during the previous round’s insemination when we had escorted my mom to a nearby cafe for the duration (high tea for The Womb Mum). Then I said to K, “Hey, I don’t think I even wrote about that yet!” At this point the kitchen fell silent, and K did her best to defuse my comment by saying, “Yeah, Malka likes to write to her sisters to keep them updated.” Then E2 said, “Gee, I thought you were going to say that you write a blog about all this.” And that’s when I went flush. “No, no. I’d never do that.” I slipped, and I fell into my own big, fat, stinky lie.

As we waited in our room for E2 to do his thing and bring out the goods, I tortured myself about having lied. I’m a terrible person, I said. (K just smiled and told me she loves the way I say, “terrible.”) He’s going to find out and know that I lied to him. And he’ll read all those mean things I said early on about him not calling back quick enough to keep me from freaking out. K saw my spiraling and tried her best to convince me that it was a small fib. But as she knows, I hate lying. I hate it worse that I walked myself into it.

E2 is such a great guy. So much greater than we realized when we picked him to be our donor. The more we get to know him, the more I’m sad that we’ll have to not see him for at least 18 years. I know I could go delete those old posts I wrote when I didn’t really know him and couldn’t imagine that I could trust a complete stranger so intimately. But that wouldn’t undo the lie. Have I tainted the whole thing? Will E2 learn of this blog and hate me? Will the child born of this lie grow up to be a compulsive liar or car thief?

These are the questions on which I get to ruminate while not falling asleep tonight.

(Oh, and happy new year to all my Jewey blog followers. May our lord find it in his infinite wisdom to forgive me my lie and still give me an honest baby.)


3 Responses to “Born of Lies”

  1. 1 Kristy September 7, 2010 at 5:57 am

    I’d pick compulsive liar over car thief, although I know you’d go with the opposite. I yearn to see parts of myself as a child in our future babe, and the constant lying was such a defining trait in my early years.

    Hey E2, if you’re reading this, can I try a slice of your homemade pumpkin cake someday?

  2. 3 Julie September 8, 2010 at 1:40 am

    1. How do you say terrible?
    2. What would it look like if you said aaack! I do have a blog but it’s really private, for only my friends and it’s kind of a journal and I am waaaay too embarrassed for you to read it and is that okay?
    3. The above is not a suggestion that you do that. I overshare all the time in these situations and it’s been recommended multiple times that I cut back.
    4. Let us know what you do.
    5. Happy new year!!
    6. Good luck this month!

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