Wet Noodle

Forgive me, blog reader, for it has been 10 days since my last post. I deserve 20 lashes (with a wet noodle).

The thing is, I think about you quite often. Every time I pee on a stick, for example, you’re with me. But some moments are private and sacred. I offer one up to you now as penance.

After a bumpy start to this cycle with what could have been an early ovulation, I managed to create one more bump (no, not the baby kind). When K and I had E2 in our clutches on that day 6 insemination, we 3 sat down and looked at a calendar. Only, I thought it was day 5. So we booked him (we thought) for days 8, 10, and 12. It was suggested that we switch things up by starting earlier than usual and going every other day. Well, that would’ve been great, except that it was actually days 9, 11, and 13 due to my mix-up. So when day 12 rolled around and my LH was surging, I panicked. Sure we had inseminated the day before, but based on our scheduling, we weren’t going to again until the next night. The problem? I would have already ovulated.

What did I do? The 3 things I always do: call Kristy on her cell in a panic, call E2 on his cell in a panic, and go online to research how we’d still be in the fertile window and all the ways that it would be too late to ever, ever, ever get pregnant. Most websites say that the egg will only live for 24 hours before it starts to disintegrate. They also say that sperm should be waiting in fallopian tubes to pounce on the egg as soon as she makes her entrance. Even though it would only have been 2.5 days since the previous insemination, and every website and professional agree that sperm can live a few days, I was desperate to get the last insemination done before I ovulated. Unfortunately, because we had done such fine scheduling, E2 was at the river without his cell on day 12. All my messages and panic were wasted.

The next morning, however, E2 called early to see what could be done. I don’t know how he did it, but he got off work early, so we were able to inseminate a few hours earlier than we would have. Unfortunately, based on my temps., I ovulated overnight, which means all that amazing hustle was probably for naught. Regardless, K and I did our best to get the sperm right up there to save them some travel time. And here, finally, for your voyeuristic pleasure, is the moment (warning: no imagery spared):

Without a head lamp (which we definitely need to buy), we had to pull off some serious Cirque du Soleil maneuvering. I was in a position such that the wall behind our bed was functioning as obstetrician stirrup support for my feet. In my left hand, I held a tube of Preseed (completely upright so as not to spill any). With my right hand, I held a speculum in place (nuff said) while K ran downstairs to get the jar of specimen. Upon her return, she took over the speculum and handed me the jar, which I held to my belly to keep the swimmers warm. (Mind you, this is all done with a sense of urgency since sperm don’t live too long outside the body.) With her other hand, K put the syringe in the jar, and with one hand each we pulled up the specimen into the syringe (I could see nothing of what was happening in the jar). Then K and I switched tube for syringe. She held the tube down into the speculum while I plunged. Then we traded again and did the same with the syringe. Did I mention the awkward red desk lamp? Somewhere in there, maybe balanced between a leg and a chin, was one of those bendy neck desk lamps, which K had to keep shining down on the front of the speculum and my cervix. I’m not sure how we pulled it off, but my guess is sheer will power or desperation and adrenaline.

That concludes our shared moment of ridiculousness; I hope I am forgiven my bloggy absence.

Stay tuned for crazed internet searches (for example: “how early is too early to do a pregnancy test?”) and other hormonal freak-outs.

Did I mention that we’re packing up our house and moving a week from today? Weeee!


2 Responses to “Wet Noodle”

  1. 1 Julie July 27, 2010 at 12:35 am

    This baby is going to be so lucky with all of the great stories of its coming into the world. You are both amazing, Kristy and Malka!(And shout-out to E2 as well!)

  2. 2 melissa July 27, 2010 at 1:14 am


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(Disclaimer: No men were harmed in the making of this blog.)

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