This post may contain info that’s too graphic/silly for some. There, I’ve made my disclaimer; so no “tsk, tsk”ing!

When I told our naturopath about my retroverted uterus, she suggested I get Mayan Abdominal Massage to help the uterus get back in line. Like a woman desperate to get pregnant and willing to try anything, I did so yesterday.

After a lengthy in-take with the nice acupuncturist/Mayan massage therapist (during which I was asked to remember things about my periods over the last 23 years), I took off the bottoms as directed. I thought it funny that I was told to wear comfortable pants only to remove them. After all, I wore the pants that I would only ever wear for exercise—in my own home and with no one around. But I got to walk around a very busy area of town looking for the right office in this lovely, stretchy, drawstringy pair of “pants.”

First, she put lots of needles in my extremities and head. Then she began the massage. Now, I’ve had lots of massages. This one involved strokes beginning on my pubic bone and gliding up toward the belly button. You try to relax when a stranger’s hands are nearing third base and all you can hear is the sound of old Velcro as said stranger wipes your pubes up your stomach. Over and over and over.

When the session ended, she told me to come back Monday. This Monday? So soon? Yes. But the good thing is that I will be basting, and she said the bottom half of the massage is skipped when you’re pregnant or waiting to find out if you’re pregnant. Phew!

(Okay, one cool thing about the experience is that she used oil made from plants picked in Belize by Rosita, the woman who developed the massage technique; these herbs were individually blessed for fertility. So, really, how can I not get pregnant?)

Speaking of basting… We’re all set for E2 to come over a few times this weekend. In a couple of days, I’ll start peeing on the ovulation predictors (new ones that show a clear smiley face if my LH surges, instead of the cheap ones where you end up using a microscope to compare the pink lines). I’ll also cover my bases (i.e., be extremely OCD) by visiting the naturopath once more to go over my charts to make sure we inseminate on the right days. Ooh, and K will begin checking out my os with our plastic, disposable speculum! (Did you know they even made disposable speculums? Now we just need to get some uncomfortable, disposable stirrups.)

So, will May be the month? I sure would like to keep my privates to myself for a while.


2 Responses to “Mayanderwear”

  1. 1 Kathy Scovill May 8, 2010 at 2:00 am

    I will never listen to the sound of velcro with the same sense of innoncence and wonderment again. Besides that, this is freakin’ hysterical. Your description, I mean. Hysterical. I am sending lots of baby-creating vibes your way. Your blog is fantastic!

    • 2 malkageffen May 8, 2010 at 2:19 am

      Shucks, thanks for the big compliment! And thanks for reading. But don’t let me get a big head about it; I gotta keep my energy flowing to the pelvic region!

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(Disclaimer: No men were harmed in the making of this blog.)

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