I got rubbed the right way today by my extremely talented wife, Handsy McRubster (I’m not being dirty; she’s a licensed massage therapist).

Then I got rubbed the wrong way.

I was using this website,, which I learned about from a fellow blogger. It lets you enter all kinds of information so you can chart electronically, and then it is supposed to show you the best time to… well, this is where the rubbing began.

I noticed that in almost every bit of textual explanation and direction, the words “have intercourse” were used. I only found the word “inseminate” in one place. So, I thought I’d send them a friendly suggestion since many women might find their tool helpful, whether having intercourse to conceive or not. I guess I was wrong.

I wrote: I was really excited to learn about your website. However, I soon became very disheartened by the language used throughout. Many TTC women are not having intercourse to conceive. I suggest you add the word “inseminate” to your text for a more inclusive environment.

They responded: Oh I think you are misinterpreting the meaning of what we do. It is not about being inclusive or exclusive, it is about being accurate. We can advise people about intercourse timing because we have a large body of data and large amount of experience about it however we cannot let people believe that we will advise them about insemination timing. This is is [sic] in most case [sic] under strict medical control and the last thing we do here is interfere with members’ health care. As for the small minority of members who would perform at home insemination we do not have enough data about it to be extremely precise so using a too inclusive term would be actually misleading. Part of the tools we propose can be used by some people and part by others. It is not meant to exclude that I can assure you.

Best wishes,

First of all, don’t get me started about the snarky “Oh.” Second, WTF? The difference between intercourse and insemination of fresh sperm is exactly nil. If they just want to be safe, and don’t want to step on any medical toes, then they could either 1. make a disclaimer about that up front so no naive lesbian spends hours using their website only to find out it’s not for her or 2. stay out of the health care business. Third, women conceiving (or trying to) without intercourse includes lesbians as well as straight women, which is not such a “small minority.” How does your Members-Only jacket look on you now, bizatch?

I know, I know. Liability, liability, liability. But really, any disclaimer about the general effectiveness of their tool for pork-lovin’ women would suffice for us kosher ones as well. Why not just say, “You know what? We’re always looking for ways to get new users and make more money. Thanks for the suggestion.” and then ignore my ass? We established in an earlier post that I’m PMSing, but do I have a shred of a leg to stand on here?

Your thoughts…


5 Responses to “Snap”

  1. 1 melissa April 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Grr…sorry you dealt with this. Want me to write them a “friendly suggestion” too? Wanna organize an email campaign?

    • 2 malkageffen April 28, 2010 at 5:30 pm

      nah, that’s okay, but thanks! I’m feeling uber-sensitive, so, besides thinking I am overreacting, I’m a little afraid of how I’ll feel after the next retort!

  2. 3 Angela April 28, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Because they are douchebags. Plain and simple.

  3. 5 Megan April 29, 2010 at 3:59 am

    “I can assure you” that it sounds like a bunch of bullcrap. While the mechanics for makin’ babies is different, the whole “sperm meets egg” thing is pretty much the same. Unless I’ve missed something, sperm coming directly from a penis doesn’t have some kind of magic power that makes a egg happier, like it better, etc (wow, doesn’t that description sound medically and scientifically sound?). I believe Angela is correct.

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(Disclaimer: No men were harmed in the making of this blog.)

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