In my imagination, our eight-year anniversary goes something like this: I hand K a wrapped gift, probably in one of those nice boxes for diamond bracelets, and inside is a pregnancy test with a plus on it. She screams and throws her arms around me, and then we go out to dinner.
Instead, K is popping pain pills for her cramps (sorry, hon, nobody’s menstrual cycle is private on my blog) and I am a depressed shell of a woman who has watched her basal body temperature drop the past two mornings. We’re still going out for dinner.
Don't even think about it!
K surprised me this morning with a delicious looking rose body butter, her first massage appointment tomorrow, and a beautiful card. In spite of my plummeting temps and mood, she continues to smile and be lovely and supportive. I hope by the time I pick her up for dinner, I will be in a better head space. She deserves a present wife (and a wife with a present) who can revel in the occasion.
The thing is, I’m used to working my butt off for something and then getting it. So this business of doing everything I’m supposed to and failing to conceive leaves me feeling like a right failure. I know people try to get pregnant for a much longer time and take much more drastic measures… I guess my depression is really less about these past few failures and more about fear of this exact thing—that I’ll have to try “for a much longer time and take much more drastic measures.”
The downward spiral is a tricky thing because once you step off the ledge, the centrifugal force starts pulling other things in (imagine flying cows in a tornado). Suddenly, I have no faith in the charting I’ve been doing over the past three years; I’m sure that my idea of when I ovulate is completely off, or, as I’ve mentioned before, I have super man-hating ova that fight off sperm with a jellyfish-like protective shield.
Could it be that I’m PMSing?
I regret spewing my mood all over the blog post, but it helps in some using-this-crazy-technology-to-virtually-connect-with-people-who-are-out-there-reading-and-supporting-me cathartic kind of way. I’ll get my act together by tonight, don’t worry. After all, it’s not every day I get to celebrate the eighth anniversary of the coming together with the love of my life. It’s all about the journey, right?
I love you both–I’m sorry you’re down, Malka. Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary!!! Wow, eight years! That is so amazing!
You know, straight 21 year-olds with unlimited fresh sperm available day and night, take an average of six months to get pregnant. You are doing so well! You’re on the path now … a baby will come!
And think how lucky you are not be a straight 21 year-old!
Happy Anniversary! Every cycle is another chance for success! Love is what brings us strength to endure another trial and with both of your love, will bring you the power that helps you carry on. Success is sometimes defined by your will, not necessarily by the results. Hopefully in due time, both your will and results will bring you great happiness!! 😀 Cheers.
Of course we’re out here, supporting you! I’m familiar with the terrible cycle–two weeks of hope followed by two weeks of disappointment. You’re either hoping you’re pregnant or hoping you’ll get pregnant, and it’s pretty much all you can think about.
So, hang in there and remember we’re rooting for you. And congrats on the anniversary!
Right.
Wow charting for that long, I am impressed… Congrats on the 8 years too!
I’d like to disclose to those of you who read the comments that I did in fact receive a long flat jewelry box. I read the hilarious card M made, then opened the box to find… the Biore strips I asked her to get from Fred Meyer so I could see what’s inside my nose pores. I feigned happiness and thanked her for the gift. I mean, I HAD asked for them. Let’s just say I’m glad I married the kind of girl who likes to precede her present with a gag gift.
To all of our holistic health care providers, by “popping painkillers,” Malka means I’m taking the Bromelain y’all recommended. To Licia, thanks for all the Tramadol.
Believe in your charting, because it does work – but also remember that it doesn’t always behave nicely 😉
Wishing you both all the luck in the world, and happy anniversary!
xxx
Thanks SO much! I visited your wonderful blog and followed the link to Fertility Friend Online. I’m gonna try it out.
Ahh, dear heart. Doesn’t sound good, does it? But think of how many people have pursued that other Holy Grail – the love of their life – and have never found her. Whatever transpires, however long it takes to do so, at least you’re not in this alone.
As for the journey and the destination, check out C.P. Cavafy’s Ithaka, a poem given to me recently by a friend.
Big hugs.
Thanks John! Of course, I hope I’m not TOO old when it happens. Also, it’ll be your fault if we name the kid Ithaka.