Beggers, Choosers

There has got to be a support group for this effort! Maybe a Spermless Anonymous or Eugenicists R Us.

As I reported last week, E2 had no swimmers. It turns out that the lab did not give him the pretest info: no ejac. within 48 hours, but no longer than 5 days without ejac’ing. That’s kind of important information, no? So, it’s been recommended by our fertility friend that he get tested again. I wish I could say I am hopeful about the next set of results. Regardless, he won’t get tested for at least another week, so we’re still no-go for a try this month.

As I also reported, we decided to sign up with the sperm banks and go for frozen until we either get pregnant, find another local donor, or go broke. I don’t know how many of you have had the unique pleasure of searching sperm bank donor databases, but our experience goes something like this:

“Jesus, I feel like a genetic engineer, choosing eye and hair color…and SKIN color! Gee, honey, what do you think of an olive baby?”

“Seriously, 5’7″? Who are they kidding?”

“What the hell is CMV? If it’s not important, why are they telling us if the guy tested positive for it? Great, I’m gonna get some freak disease and die. Enjoy the baby.”

“Is 265 lbs on a 6’2″ guy considered fat? What if it’s all muscle? Oh, it says here that he’s an introvert. We don’t want a large introvert baby, do we?”

“This guy’s paternal grandfather had a heart attack; we so don’t want him. I know both my grandfathers died of heart problems. That’s why we don’t need more!”

“Seriously, 20/200 vision? Who are they kidding?”

“I know I had acne as a teen. Hell, I still get acne. But we’re in a position to choose, and I don’t want his sperm if he had acne!”

“There are too many choices. What if we wipe out any guy born in the ’70s? It’s arbitrary, but what else can we do? We’ve already wiped out the competitive athletes.”

So this is how it goes. We usually stop when I say, “I don’t even want to do this! This is not how I want to get pregnant.” Then we get some dessert and watch Ugly Betty.

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1 Response to “Beggers, Choosers”


  1. 1 melissa March 16, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Yes, watching mindless TV may be the best recovery. Just remember, this genetic selection is a process most people don’t have the luxury of doing.


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