The Long and Winding Road

People like to joke that it should be easy for us to find sperm. Just go to a bar and find a drunk guy, right? It seems funny because it’s true; really, though, it’s disgusting.

So what are the real alternatives?

The sperm banks, at $500 a vial, are quite cost prohibitive. They also provide frozen sperm, which is not as potent as fresh and therefore less likely to work as well. The few good things about it are: you know the stuff is clean because it’s been quarantined for 6 months and thoroughly tested; you don’t need a sperm donor contract because the donor is anonymous; and you know that once you’ve paid for it, the sperm is available when you need it.

Another alternative, which we decided to try, is looking for a local known donor who would be willing to agree and sign off on everything we want. We thought we’d found our guy—actually two guys, since we had a first and second choice. But within the past few days, these options seem to have dematerialized.

It’s that last reason of why sperm banks are good: You know you’ve got it when you need it. We have been trying to get a hold of our first choice guy to no avail. We liked him so much and can’t understand why he is not responding to our emails and phone message. We are not hounding or badgering; we’ve simply said we’re hoping he’s okay, but that we need to talk. My next ovulation is this weekend, and, unless he got his stuff and his blood tested today, there’s no way in hell we’re going to get it done. It’s so disappointing because we got the lab orders for him and we had the contract rewritten for him specifically. Now he’s awol?

Our second choice seems like a more responsible guy, even though we didn’t “like” him as much. This means he’s not the kind of guy you’d find at our dinner parties. I wonder now why that was so important in our choice considering the whole idea was to not have the donor in our lives. We emailed him to see if he was still interested since it looks like our first choice might be a flake. Well, he wrote back (which is a plus), but he said he’s planning to move to Korea to teach English in April.

Do we try to get things ready to work with him for the following ovulation—pay for all the testing and another contract—even though we may get only one try? Do we give our first choice a chance/time to resurface and explain? Can I handle going through the search for another donor all over again? Do we max out a credit card trying with frozen goods?

I’m dizzy and need to get out of the car.

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4 Responses to “The Long and Winding Road”


  1. 1 Julie February 22, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Oh, Malka!

    So sorry.

    And call me if you want to brainstorm. xox

  2. 2 Melissa February 22, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    They should have a group for this: non-sketchy sperm available. No cost, we’ll agree to everything you say, our genes are good (enough), and we won’t flake on you. My advice–keep looking, even if you miss a cycle or two. You’ll more than make up for this if you use fresh instead of frozen. Go with your gut and hang in there! And ask strangers in line at the coffee place. Hey, you never know!

  3. 3 Steph February 23, 2010 at 3:18 am

    The whole process can make you somewhat jealous of the “Whoops, I’m pregnant” folks, huh? If there’s one thing we learned through the whole process, it’s that the roller coaster of getting pregnant is good training for the roller coaster of raising a baby. Highs and lows are all part of it. It doesn’t make it any easier, but it does make it worth it.

    You know I’m thinking of you–and Jackson is ready to give his Auntie Malka some love as soon as we can make our schedules collide this week!

    Love you!

  4. 4 malkageffen February 24, 2010 at 2:04 am

    Thanks for the support guys! Right now I can’t fathom going back to that certain website and starting that all over again. I know fresh is best, but I feel like we could find “perfect” donors again, and they’ll flake out too.
    I guess we’ll just have to instawatch more L Word on Netflix until I feel better.


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