The Waiting Game

This is the thing about everyone knowing that you’re trying to get pregnant. People say, “Good luck!” but it’s already decided. Right now my egg is either fertilized, or it is so not. There’s no luck or wishes or prayers or vitamins that can change what is or is not the truth right now in my uterus. And yet… for the next 10 days or so, I have no clue. It’s the meanest kind of Vegas game possible.

The first time we tried, back in May of ’09, everything seemed so perfectly planned. We hit the right dates with the insemination. My wife made a beautiful alter on top of the dresser with poems and photos—including a photo of my mom very pregnant with me in her stylin’ ’70s bathing suit. Our donor brought games to play and, since the weather was perfect, we went to a street fair. There was a makeshift booth where some rascals were taking black&white photos with a Polaroid. They took one of us but gave it to us for free because there was some “weird sun spot or something” in it. It was clear to me, my wife, and E1 (donor friend) that the glowing orb which emanates with E1 and blooms in the kiss between my wife and I is the spirit of the baby being made that very instant in my womb.

This time, it was much colder and rainier, E1 was here for 36 hours, and that romantic feeling of “rightness” was nowhere around. My superstitious self thinks: so maybe since I was so sure I was pregnant last time and I wasn’t, this time I’m not sure so I must be! Um… yeah. That’s the kind of logic that suffuses these two weeks of waiting. Logic and luck. Works every time.


2 Responses to “The Waiting Game”

  1. 1 Kim December 29, 2010 at 3:22 am

    omg, i just started reading your blog. My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. (lesbian couple). We so understand exactly how you are feeling. Especially that GOOD LUCK thing, or I hate hearing one of the guys I work with say all the time “it’ll happen” REALLY? REALLY? no it’s not gonna just HAPPEN! We have to WORK to make it happen and with lots of $$$$! he’s 26 with 3 kids, come on! I try to be good to him, because you only understand when you are actually going through it. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist also understands…. I’ve vented to them… they are more like psychologists 🙂 I will continue to read through your stories and am glad that we’ve got someone else out there that we can relate to.

    We are working our way backwards… we went to our REI dept first, (for a year for a lot of $) and now are trying to find a known donor. We are waiting on one right now to decide. fingers crossed that the donor agreement didn’t freak him out.

    Night, Kim

    • 2 mamawannabe December 29, 2010 at 5:33 am

      Hi Kim,
      Thanks for commenting. I’m so excited when another (lesbian couple) finds my blog—though I’m never happy to hear that others are going through the hell of it too. Somehow, I fell slightly less insane knowing you guys are out there wanting these babies just as much.
      Please keep in touch so we know are gay army is still growing!


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